January 2012
2 posts
Who's With Me?!
Things I Will Consider Becoming If I don’t Book a Pilot This Year:
1. Scientologist
2. Lesbian
3. Ron Howard’s daughter
4. Australian
5. Contestant on the next “Bachelor”
6. Trophy wife
7. On the “Board” of something just so I can say, “Oh, I’m actually on the Board of….”
8. Michael Bay’s next girlfriend
9. Kim...
December 2011
1 post
WatchCheck out the funny or die sketch I wrote and am in! Vote FUNNY!
November 2011
2 posts
Find Your Hotness!
These drinks directly correlate to how cool and awesome you are. If you order a #1 you are a moron all the way down to #10 you’re so awesome we should marry! Find your drink and see how much improvement you need! Go!
If You’re A Woman
1. Cran-soda (Um, you’re missing alcohol, sweet pea)
2. Midori-Sour (I’m gonna need to see some I.D.)
3. Lemondrop (Of course you...
Ways to Avoid a Hollywood Break-Up
1. Do not get married on television. If you do, it is assumed that your significant other is just a prop that will one day be returned.
2. Do not marry a Kardashian or J. Lo.
3. If you’re a famous guy, do not marry an actress. She might one day win an Oscar which is synonymous with filing for divorce.
4. If you’re an actor/actress do not marry an actor/actress.
5. Do not live in...
October 2011
2 posts
Dear Society and Friends,
As my least favorite holiday approaches, please remember, I still do not like Halloween. I never have and I never will. I have other fun qualities. Please email me for a list of them.
Love ya.
-Kaylaisms
September 2011
1 post
"There's a remedy for everything in this world...
August 2011
3 posts
3 truths. 1 lie. You decide which is the lie.
1. David Beckham, with newborn daughter in tow, smiles, nods, and says, “Hi,” to me.
2. After the policeman pulls me over while I drive through the VA he says, “Judging by what you’re wearing, I take it you don’t work at the VA.”
3. After the red light turns green and we drive, the man behind me sticks his middle finger up at me and shouts, “Fuck...
Dear New (Loud) Neighbors,
The following 5 are your only options. Thanks for understanding.
1. Place your 3-year-old who never stops crying up for adoption.
2. Move out.
3. Send your child, along with your drum set, to a boarding school somewhere east of the Mississippi.
4. Move out.
5. Glue soft pillows to your feet and hands that way you can’t do much, but when you walk around, I won’t know it.
...
Dear Shopbop.com,
I am not 6’11”. Nor am I 5’11”. Therefore, my Hudson bells do not fit. Don’t worry, I will be sure to give them to the World’s Tallest Woman when I see her at the next Freak Show I attend.
Thanks.
Kayla.
July 2011
1 post
A Guide For Old(er) Men and How to "Get" Your...
1. If your cocktail server is normal and you are as old as her father, she is not interested.
2. Even if she smiles at you and is friendly, she is not interested.
3. Even if you leave a 50% tip, she is not interested.
4. If you have previously come in with your wife who is now your ex-wife, she is not interested.
5. If you’ve left with a hooker, she is not interested.
6. If you tell her...
June 2011
6 posts
Spelling for Morons
Read this because bad spellers bother me. Enjoy.
Their - possessive. It means they have something. Their margaritas make me puke.
There - where? There. I don’t want to go there with you because you cannot spell and also because their margaritas make me puke.
They’re - the little hooky thing is an apostrophe. Meaning it’s a contraction combining they and are. They’re...
Dumb and Dimmer
I need to install a dimmer for the new chandelier that hangs in my bedroom. The problem is that I am not an electrician nor do I have the testosterone level required to figure this out by myself. Thus far I have purchased said dimmer and separated the English directions from the Spanish ones. I skimmed the English directions and quickly concluded the following three things: 1. I’ll probably...
The Art of Curly Hair
The other day a hairstylist attempted to take a brush to my curly hair. My already dried curly hair. I flinched and had her put the brush back where it came from and where it belonged - away from me. If you do not have curly hair, you may not understand this so let me explain - this is a terrible idea. Terrible like Sarah Palin terrible. Terrible like “The Bachelorette” terrible....
“Do not bring people in your life who weigh you down. And trust your instincts …...”
– Michelle Obama
You Can't Be Fat and Mean
The recent events in my life have reminded me of this lovely quote from one of my favorite shows, “The Big C.” Enjoy everyone.
“You can’t be fat AND mean, Andrea. You heard me. If you’re gonna dish it out, you’ve gotta be able to lick it up. Fat people are jolly for a reason: fat repels people, but joy attracts them. I know everyone is laughing at your cruel jokes now, but nobody’s...
May 2011
2 posts
Misfortune Cookies
The other night’s circumstances required late night chinese delivery. This led to the inevitable end of meal “fortune” cookie. I broke into it, ready to believe whatever the little white strip of paper would tell me. I read it. Frowned. It was an advertisement for American Airlines. “What the fuck?” I said. This is our world now? Big companies are taking over fortunes...
March 2011
3 posts
Letters of Great Importance
Dear Justin Timberlake,
Well isn’t this funny. I, too, am single.
Dear My Money,
Sorry. I’ve just been finding the cutest things to buy lately.
Dear Alcohol,
It’s not you, it’s me. I just needed my space, ya know? Don’t worry. We’ll be back together before you know it.
Dear “Glee,”
If I watch one more episode I think I might become gay. Not...
Journey Through a Victoria's Secret Catalog
The following are all of the thoughts, in order, that a woman thinks as she flips through a Victoria’s Secret Catalog. This has been clinically tested.
1. I’m not going to buy anything, but I’ll just look.
2. Nah, that wouldn’t look good on me, anyway.
3. Oh, wait, now that’s cute. Super cute. And only $38.
4. No, not gonna do it because all of their stuff is...
Size Matters
Like most normal and respectable people, I love french fries. Even the worst french fry is still pretty damn great. However, I have noticed that french fries, like everything else in LA, keep getting thinner. This is puzzling since a french fry’s girth and shape determine its likability. I thought everyone knew this. Recently, at a Beverly Hills joint, the fries were so thin I could have...
January 2011
1 post
Mucinex D - how do I love thee? Let me count the...
Dear 2011, Thanks for being such a big fuckin'...
December 2010
5 posts
Dear Virgin America,
I just wanted to thank you for all of your help making life difficult. I understand the inclement weather is something we have no control over. I do not understand how you think putting me on a flight leaving January 3rd is a reasonable solution when I was supposed to leave December 28th. That is kind of a big difference. Some even call that nearly a week.
I think you should build more planes....
Yesterday, a wise man told me that I am no longer...
Things I Learned From 2010
This year flew by. Literally. Vancouver, Dallas, New Orleans, Utah, D.C., NYC…and simply put was pretty fucking wonderful. Thank God. It is with a much different perspective than mine of last year that I conjure up the memories and deliver all I have learned. Don’t worry, it’s still slightly skewed.
Things I Learned from 2010
Do not speak to girls living in Dallas, Texas. They will...
November 2010
2 posts
Elephant in the Room
Ok. Let’s forget the Tea Party for a moment. (Please.) Forget Sarah Palin too. Forget her stupid (non)reality show. Forget Tripp, Trigg, Track, Tro, Truth, Trouble, Troubador, and Sally.
The thing is, Bristol Palin…is fat.
Enough said.
Dear Everyone Who Keeps Inviting Me to Halloween...
Thanks. Really, I mean it. It’s always nice to be invited to parties. Even if it’s to celebrate a “holiday” that I vehemently dislike. Obviously, last year’s blog about Halloween did not deter you from including me in your festivities. That’s so sweet of you…
I still think that dressing up as a slut to get smashed in honor of nothing is a big fat waste of...
October 2010
7 posts
Just Hungry
The other day I saw what at first glance appeared to be a homeless man hanging out near the 405 freeway entrance. It’s a hot spot for the homeless, helpless and less fortunate. However as I approached this man I saw that his sign read, “Just Hungry.” This got me thinking. Was he homeless too; or, really was he doing just great but super hungry? Because if that’s the case...
They Owe Me Botox
Guiliana DePandi and Bill Rancic make me frown. They have a reality television show, they’re annoying, and they now have a book about relationships on sale at Barnes and Noble. Ugh. I scowled at the sight of their book the other day at said book store.
I guess they have a book out because they’ve been married for so very long - oh wait, just a few years? Oh…
Maybe they have a...
Watch“Corporate Cocktailing” by Kayla Mae Maloney
My First Movie →
September 2010
6 posts
310-555...
A few weeks ago I stupidly gave my number to a Moron at Whole Foods. I know I know. I had a momentary lapse of common sense and figured that giving him my number would be the fastest way to end the conversation. As to why I gave him my REAL number all I can say is that I panicked. He’s called and texted me ever since. Not kind or witty messages, but rather odd ones. I’ve never replied....
Check out the movie Savage County which my BFF... →
An Actual BBM Conversation
I decided to watch “Dear John” tonight and BBM’d my bff throughout the movie. Here are some highlights.
Me: I’m watching “Dear John” on netflix. Go ahead and judge me.
BFF: Oh believe me, I am.
Me: 12 minutes in…I dunno if I can do it…I wanna makeout with Channing Tatum. Amanda Seyfried has great boobs. This movie is done so poorly. Oh,...
I'm officially in love. With my cleaning woman....
Things I Hate to Buy Because I'd Rather Spend My...
1. Ink
2. Toilet paper
3. Tires
4. Dry cleaning
5. Gap Insurance
6. Socks
7. Umbrella
8. Contact lens solution
9. Cleaning products
10. Beach towels
August 2010
3 posts
Date Expectations
“Congratulations,” I said to my brother a few weeks ago, “you’ve officially fucked my future.” This came at the heels of having listened to his 1-year anniversary plans for his girlfriend which led to tears in my eyes, as I feared I’d never find a man as good as my bro. I know I am not alone. I live in LA for goodness sakes surrounded by a sea of sickeningly beautiful women several of whom also...
Letters of Great Importance
Dear Residual Check for $1.21,
That’s not helping.
Dear Patricia Arquette,
Thanks for the dating advice you offered me on the plane! And ya know what…I think you were right. Unfortunately :(
Dear Gin,
Don’t take it personally, but I think we need a little break. Just a little space to miss each other. Nothing permanent or anything crazy like that!
Dear “Memphis...
July 2010
9 posts
Dear Legs and Stomach,
What is wrong with you? I am constantly putting you under the sun and you just seem to repel its rays. You just cannot get tan. You are so pale it’s embarrassing to take you anywhere! Honestly, you’re acting like it’s February right now. Why can’t you be more like my shoulders? They tan so fast! Get your act together before it’s too late.
Sincerely,
The Rest of Me
If You Order These Drinks Past 11pm at a Bar You...
1. Green tea
2. Virgin mojito
3. Lemonade
4. Tap water with lemon
5. Bellini
6. Pelligrino
7. Hot water with lemon
8. Decaf coffee
9. Another virgin mojito
10. Arnold Palmer
My left eye has been twitching for about a month...