Some priceless nuggets from my mind.
I'm an actor in Los Angeles who actually acts.
In love with Blue Moon.
Drenched in cynical sarcasm.
In need of a puppy.
Addicted to flossing.
Loathes bad spellers.
Turned on by proper punctuation.
--Kayla Mae Maloney
Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor
Who’s With Me?!
Things I Will Consider Becoming If I don’t Book a Pilot This Year:
1. Scientologist
2. Lesbian
3. Ron Howard’s daughter
4. Australian
5. Contestant on the next “Bachelor”
6. Trophy wife
7. On the “Board” of something just so I can say, “Oh, I’m actually on the Board of….”
8. Michael Bay’s next girlfriend
9. Kim Kardashian’s friend
10. British
-Namaste
Check out the funny or die sketch I wrote and am in! Vote FUNNY!
Find Your Hotness!
These drinks directly correlate to how cool and awesome you are. If you order a #1 you are a moron all the way down to #10 you’re so awesome we should marry! Find your drink and see how much improvement you need! Go!
If You’re A Woman
1. Cran-soda (Um, you’re missing alcohol, sweet pea)
2. Midori-Sour (I’m gonna need to see some I.D.)
3. Lemondrop (Of course you do…)
4. Chardonnay (Sigh)
5. Vodka-soda (Obvi)
6. Hendricks dirty up. (Hm…you seein’ anyone?)
7. Old fashioned or Manhattan (Let’s hang out!)
8. Scotch and Soda (You’re probably wearing something cool, too)
9. Macallan 12, 1 rock (Damn)
10. Oban, neat. (HOT)
If You’re a Man
1. Cosmo (Uh-Uh. Nope. No.)
2. Mojito (We’re not on a beach, so go home)
3. Margarita with salt (I hope you’re ordering this for your wife)
4. Flavored vodka on the rocks (C’mon, strap on a pair)
5. Grey Goose up (Boring)
6. Scotch and soda (Ok…I’m listening)
7. Hendricks rocks, slice of cucumber (Classy, confident)
8. Johnny Walker Black (I’ll give you my number)
9. Johnny Walker Blue (Nice. You obviously have a job, thank God. 310…)
10. Laphroaig, neat (HOT)
Please note the absence of hot teas, shots of Patron, and sea breezes. If you order these, please stay home.
Sincerely,
Society and Kaylaisms
Ways to Avoid a Hollywood Break-Up
1. Do not get married on television. If you do, it is assumed that your significant other is just a prop that will one day be returned.
2. Do not marry a Kardashian or J. Lo.
3. If you’re a famous guy, do not marry an actress. She might one day win an Oscar which is synonymous with filing for divorce.
4. If you’re an actor/actress do not marry an actor/actress.
5. Do not live in LA.
6. Just say “NO” when producers come knocking about this great reality show idea they have based on your life.
7. Do not refer to your partner as your soul mate or best friend, publicly.
8. Do not make it to the top. Always be “up and coming.”
9. Don’t get married.
10. If you slip up and tie the knot, have a great lawyer on speed dial.
Dear Society and Friends,
As my least favorite holiday approaches, please remember, I still do not like Halloween. I never have and I never will. I have other fun qualities. Please email me for a list of them.
Love ya.
-Kaylaisms
3 truths. 1 lie. You decide which is the lie.
1. David Beckham, with newborn daughter in tow, smiles, nods, and says, “Hi,” to me.
2. After the policeman pulls me over while I drive through the VA he says, “Judging by what you’re wearing, I take it you don’t work at the VA.”
3. After the red light turns green and we drive, the man behind me sticks his middle finger up at me and shouts, “Fuck you!” I didn’t make the right on red, because I was 5 feet from the giant NO RIGHT ON RED sign.
4. My Blackberry did not freeze today.
Dear New (Loud) Neighbors,
The following 5 are your only options. Thanks for understanding.
1. Place your 3-year-old who never stops crying up for adoption.
2. Move out.
3. Send your child, along with your drum set, to a boarding school somewhere east of the Mississippi.
4. Move out.
5. Glue soft pillows to your feet and hands that way you can’t do much, but when you walk around, I won’t know it.
Sincerely,
Kayla
